At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.