Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Worth the read.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.