Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
what the
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao