good work, everybody
You Might Also Like
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
mom gave me mine for free
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney: