Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
for all #parents out there
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.