My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
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Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.