The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.