Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
It’s the weekend y’all
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit