Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.