[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
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I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…