How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You had me at “define legal”.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.