“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
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Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When your best mate counts as a desk too
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.