“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am