“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.