Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard