Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Are these grass-fed oranges?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*power walks to the refrigerator*