11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
No. YOU-buprofen.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters