When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich