You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
yes… yes…
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich