I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.