Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
It’s an epidemic…
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!