My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
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Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.