My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
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Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Seas the day!!!!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.