Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.