centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr