*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
You Might Also Like
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Canada has crack?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?