Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
They got a point!
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter