hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
This squirrel eats better than I do
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’