Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.