I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope