me when the borders lift
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Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls