Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression