Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
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Life hack
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
want me to check your oil?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.