They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
You Might Also Like
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Trumpy Cat
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was