Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I WON A HAM TODAY
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
They did not miss in the small print
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night