confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep