Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
No, YOUR illiterate.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray