I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
You Might Also Like
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
He’s cranky this morning
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!