11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
time machine? you mean a clock?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”