Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
*launders Kohls cash*
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.