I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
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I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor