I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Ugh but profoundly
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god