Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Cake safety first. Always.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*updates tinder bio*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.