Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
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why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge