I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
When you kidnap a writer.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Look at this
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
There’s always that one guy
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.