I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
You Might Also Like
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The booster protects against what, now?