Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
it be like that
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.