Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there鈥檚 nothing grillable left in the house.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Me: it鈥檚 time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don鈥檛 know where it is
You know what? I鈥檓 sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
When I die, I鈥檓 donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they鈥檒l use it as Bigfoot bait.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you鈥檝e been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it鈥檚 because I haven鈥檛 been listening
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs