Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.