Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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Vodka burrito was a success
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.